My bikini waxer's name is Giao (pronounced YOW!)

Enough said.

Invitation to Disappointment Mailbox Letdown

So yesterday, after a long hard day of work, I get home, go to my mailbox, and find a big fat envelope. Well, with my birthday coming up in 2 days, I got a little excited. Could be a sweet little note, could be cash, could be a gift card...Hell, it doesn't matter that I don't have a man! Screw that! I am single and loving it, and my friends love me and send me birthday cards!

I get into my apartment, plop down on the couch, and tear into my fabulous birthday card like it's a pound cake fresh from the oven. Who could it be from? What could it say?

I open the envelope, and it's a wedding invitation. A friggin' wedding invitation. Yet another event to which I won't have a date.

Happy freakin' birthday to me. Wow do I need a drink.

So I put an ad on Craig's list...

I posted an ad on Craig's list for babysitting. You know, a girl needs some spending cash, what with this impending strike. Well, I got this response today from the ad...

"Sounds like you would make an awesome girl friend too. I wish I could use you but instead I will flirt with you and say good luck."

Show of hands. Who is checking out the child care ads to find a date? That's what I thought.

Although, my birthday is in 4 days and I still don't have a date to my party. I couldn't, could I? (I might.)

My wedding dress made out of toilet paper

Don't shit yourself! I'm not really getting married! Just thought this was cute. Knowing me, I'd spill champagne on it at my wedding and the whole damn thing would fall apart!

I am bathing in Tiger Balm

So, I'm on this new exercise program, and I think I worked my legs a little too hard yesterday, because I can't walk today. No, I'm not exaggerating. It took me 20 minutes to climb the stairs, and I nearly burst into tears trying to sit on the toilet.

I am now using the mentholated genius that is Tiger Balm. Have you ever used this stuff? I smell like a dentist's office exploded in my pants. Seriously, you don't know how powerful this stuff is until you put 1/2 of the container on your legs. It may 103 degrees in the valley today...but my legs are comfortably numb.

I miss Sushi. This detox is a pain!!

See that bruise? It's from pole dancing!

This weekend I went with "my girls" to a pole dancing exercise class. Yes, pole dancing. And I have to tell you, I have a newfound respect for strippers (to augment the respect I already had), because that is ONE F-ING HELL OF A WORKOUT!!!

So, the class started off in a good place. It was pretty cool because you're getting in touch with your sensuality, exploring your comfortability with yourself...all good stuff, all fine and good.

And then we get to the pole. That's apparently where my comfortability with myself comes to a crashing, bruising, violent halt. You take one foot and wrap it around the pole while swinging and grabbing the other leg to hold your body on the pole. It's like Gumby doing the hokey-pokey. (if Gumby was a stripper.)

Well, after all the other girls did it, it looked easy enough, and hell I danced for 16 years, I can do anything! So, I step up to the pole, put my hands in position, swing around, and bang my shin so FREAKIN hard I almost started crying right there! Sensuality my ass! I feel more sensual during electrolysis. And this was the BASIC pole trick, the basis for all further pole dancing, and everybody could do it... BUT ME!!!

If this was A Chorus Line, I would be Tricia (she's the first one to get cut after she sings " I really need this job". And you know what, I PLAYED Tricia once!!! Oh, I hate how the universe knows me so well sometimes!!!).

17 Days and counting

Just for the record, at the adult pool, they have a swim up bar and a jacuzzi. I'm in heaven.

Just in case you didn't believe me...#46

I'm in the new Camp Camp Book

I donated many pictures and stories to this book.

My favorite is the two page "Purity Test" (do you remember that?) Ahh...the 100 question test we took at camp to find out how slutty we all were.

I actually wrote in the word "oral sex" next to the question "gone 69" since I didn't know what it meant. Yeah, I got a virginal 83 on the test.

Sweaty Love

When I am at the gym, I am really just there to work out. I don't wear cute little tops, even though I have my cool Lulu Lemon pants (which are FANTASTIC by the way), but I don't put on makeup because I'm not thinking that I will meet a guy. My skin is pasty, I'm sweaty, and I make weird noises when I lift weights...so if anyone is attracted to this hot mess in the course of a workout, I am going to be shocked.

But today, my world was turned upside-down. I met a cute Jewish guy. He actually made me self-conscious about my outfit choice and then I thought...did I brush my teeth this morning? (the answer is yes.) (I think.)

The great thing about meeting someone at the gym is that I am looking and acting as disgustingly awful as I possibly can, so if you still want a piece of this after I drip sweat all over your body and you hear me grunt and yell 'C'mon baby, you can give me one more!!!'...MARRY ME!

Can a single girl make her bed?

I am a pretty independent woman. (both pretty, and independent.) I have lived alone for 10 years, and I can do everything on my own...except FOLD MY BEDSHEETS!! If you are "vertically challenged" (short) such as I am, you know that it is nearly impossible to fold the bedsheets without them touching the ground. So, I try to lay the whole thing out on the floor to fold it, but then it gets filthy...ok I am not much of a cleaner, so the carpet was pretty gross. What this comes down to is...I need someone to help me fold my sheets.
I thought I was trying to get a man in my bed, not get a man to help me make my bed.

Universal Studio Backlot goes up in flames.

I always had a sense of pride when I went to auditions at Universal Studios, since my cousin, Elsa Raven, was the "Save the clock tower woman" in Back to the Future. Now, that clocktower is damaged and the square has been burned. For more info click here.