My bikini waxer's name is Giao (pronounced YOW!)

Enough said.

Invitation to Disappointment Mailbox Letdown

So yesterday, after a long hard day of work, I get home, go to my mailbox, and find a big fat envelope. Well, with my birthday coming up in 2 days, I got a little excited. Could be a sweet little note, could be cash, could be a gift card...Hell, it doesn't matter that I don't have a man! Screw that! I am single and loving it, and my friends love me and send me birthday cards!

I get into my apartment, plop down on the couch, and tear into my fabulous birthday card like it's a pound cake fresh from the oven. Who could it be from? What could it say?

I open the envelope, and it's a wedding invitation. A friggin' wedding invitation. Yet another event to which I won't have a date.

Happy freakin' birthday to me. Wow do I need a drink.

So I put an ad on Craig's list...

I posted an ad on Craig's list for babysitting. You know, a girl needs some spending cash, what with this impending strike. Well, I got this response today from the ad...

"Sounds like you would make an awesome girl friend too. I wish I could use you but instead I will flirt with you and say good luck."

Show of hands. Who is checking out the child care ads to find a date? That's what I thought.

Although, my birthday is in 4 days and I still don't have a date to my party. I couldn't, could I? (I might.)

My wedding dress made out of toilet paper

Don't shit yourself! I'm not really getting married! Just thought this was cute. Knowing me, I'd spill champagne on it at my wedding and the whole damn thing would fall apart!

I am bathing in Tiger Balm

So, I'm on this new exercise program, and I think I worked my legs a little too hard yesterday, because I can't walk today. No, I'm not exaggerating. It took me 20 minutes to climb the stairs, and I nearly burst into tears trying to sit on the toilet.

I am now using the mentholated genius that is Tiger Balm. Have you ever used this stuff? I smell like a dentist's office exploded in my pants. Seriously, you don't know how powerful this stuff is until you put 1/2 of the container on your legs. It may 103 degrees in the valley today...but my legs are comfortably numb.

I miss Sushi. This detox is a pain!!

See that bruise? It's from pole dancing!

This weekend I went with "my girls" to a pole dancing exercise class. Yes, pole dancing. And I have to tell you, I have a newfound respect for strippers (to augment the respect I already had), because that is ONE F-ING HELL OF A WORKOUT!!!

So, the class started off in a good place. It was pretty cool because you're getting in touch with your sensuality, exploring your comfortability with yourself...all good stuff, all fine and good.

And then we get to the pole. That's apparently where my comfortability with myself comes to a crashing, bruising, violent halt. You take one foot and wrap it around the pole while swinging and grabbing the other leg to hold your body on the pole. It's like Gumby doing the hokey-pokey. (if Gumby was a stripper.)

Well, after all the other girls did it, it looked easy enough, and hell I danced for 16 years, I can do anything! So, I step up to the pole, put my hands in position, swing around, and bang my shin so FREAKIN hard I almost started crying right there! Sensuality my ass! I feel more sensual during electrolysis. And this was the BASIC pole trick, the basis for all further pole dancing, and everybody could do it... BUT ME!!!

If this was A Chorus Line, I would be Tricia (she's the first one to get cut after she sings " I really need this job". And you know what, I PLAYED Tricia once!!! Oh, I hate how the universe knows me so well sometimes!!!).